Lockdown Musings and Dream : If there was corona and I was 'Indian Prime Minister'

Satire:

Web dictionary says it's the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

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LOCKDOWN weeks amid Corona fear has not helped me fight insomnia -- now a three decade old malady !

One post-midnight hour ... all of a sudden I walked into the room where we had kept a large garlanded photograph of my mom. These were extremely emotional moments. My father was sleeping in another room.

In dim light, I stood in front of my mom’s photo - in silence blinking ! I stood silently with moist eyes and stared blankly for a while and I stared at her lips. I watched on as if her lips moved and she was speaking. ‘Why you are awake so late?’ --- as if she quizzed her ‘boro chheley eldest son)’.

My late night insomnia related walks always made her angry. Of course, my flirtation with ‘writing’ and journalism never excited both my parents at initial years. But my mother knew I loved it.

That night – I felt her voice was not familiar. This sparked an excitement punctuated with curiosity in me. The curiosity made me step little ahead closer to her snap.

An ardent admirer of Bengali fiction; decades back she had told me that stories are ‘best’ when writers pen them with ‘tears’ in their eyes so that the stings of these works would be felt by the readers. I was still standing silently in the room. 

I also felt an irrational hatred for myself. Could we save her had we done something different?

I slowly walked out of the room. My room appeared darker. As I sat with the laptop ...I thought my mom was asking me ---- write something funny ! Let people smile a bit when the world is facing such a calamity!

I walked into the veranda and in a clear sky above; I watched the clouds drift by. Maa could be staring at me. ....Well, I will write something funny !!

                                         

Maa in one of adventurous
 moods  

If there was corona and I was 'Indian Prime Minister'

I dreamt that I have been invited by the President to be Prime Minister as there was an ambiguous verdict resulting in a 'hung' Parliament!

Shortly after that I was invited by a TV channel. 

"Tell us tonight; how do you feel ? What will be your priorities? And how would you deal with the Coronavirus crisis?

This anchor has been the most talkative guy in the town. In some other occasions, I would have said different things ! I tried to suppress my emotion against such journalism. And in a cool manner, I replied: "Well my government will be a people's government...But this country is also very sympathetic to its leaders. We tolerated some Prime Ministers for 13 days and some for ten years. One of my predecessors said he takes instructions from Italy and signs Nuke deal with the US and when asked to comment on nation's future, he had said he is not an astrologer".

In between my wife has got busy ! Now that I was Prime Minister, suddenly she said Tripura should have a new capital preferrably Kamalpur, the small 'beautiful town' she was born. Pressure was already building. "Try a new Ordinance" -- she also knew how governments worked. I was impressed, Good Show my Lady ! She again got busy with her Vodafone connection and had to move three metres away - No it was not social distancing ! It was strategic distancing from me  -- as she got a call from her Mom.

Of course, I had convened a high-level meeting immediately after swearing in. Cabinet Secretary advised me to initiate the discussions on Corona. I stared at him ! 

Are you my brother-in-law that I have to listen to his suggestion, I thought.

 Within next few hours, I had to prepare a speech highlighting the roadmap for the country women and men to fight Corona virus. Should I blame China and then shift focus to blame my predecessors - on how they have failed on health front!

Should I easily say -- Whether under Manmohan Singh or Jawaharlal Nehru,  India’s public health system has continued to suffer from various illness ! 

What is NRHM doing? Whether Ayushman Bharat will help fight the unseen virus in any manner?

Should I patronise one or two media houses right from beginning ! Take a few editors abroad ! But which editors will accompany me now for travel to Wuhan or New York ! Corona Uncle could easily get after them.

As a smart politician (read Neta !! ), I thought of giving things a spin. I can easily say the outlandish praise of a particular political dynasty and especially that 50-year-old adolescent but DYNAMIC ( a joke !!) leader by media and a section of intellectuals only show 'politicization' of every socio-political wings in the country under my predecessors. Someone tried to erase some of these since 2014.

But, none of them could provide a good service to the nation. I will be different. Here is my catchline - People have high expectations and my government will do its best for the people. 

I will be 'a People's Prime Minister'. My speech was almost ready.

Just then, my wife walked in saying - she has consulted astrologers and they all predict that I may not have a smooth sail as country's new Prime Minister.

I knew; this lady will never speak anything good about me. I again suppressed my thoughts and told her rather passively, "Ask your mom to talk to the astrologer she knows. That old fellow had predicted your marriage with me na."

"No, he never predicted that...He had said my marriage will be successful but my husband will be always unsuccessful" - my wife chuckled.

I knew this also. She won't give up any chance of attacking me.

Coronavirus may have some medicine someday, but there is no hydroxychloroquine to my wife's anguish and protest. I gave her an intellectual look and asked her whether she would read few pages of day's editorials from her new mobile. 

She pounced like that good old tigress -- married but not ready to discuss anything bad about her parents' home. "My mobile is not for reading the newspaper stories. The new video game from my Sahelis in Manas Apartment are too good".

Illustrious George: Deserved to be PM  ?

I knew this will work. She ran out of the room. My father-in-law was right about one thing about his daughter -- she hates reading !! 

Two days gone as 'Prime Minister', but I was still struggling with this Coronavirus.

I wanted to keep my communication line with the people on and so I wanted to tweet something. Birds had stopped twittering long back, perhaps. Now Twitter is a household word. One of my predecessors Narendra Modi did very well with that tool. 

My wife knew my mind. "You should learn something from Narendra Modi" - she suggested drawing that usually pathetic but 'very infectious' smile!

"Modiji left his wife long back..." - I said bluntly and the room's peace was destroyed. Her hysteria went on for one hour. I still remain naive about so many things, I thought.

But that evening, I issued a statement urging citizens to follow Janata Curfew for 12 hours and then national lockdown to ensure social distancing.

It was a risky combo offer. Half the people in my country did not understand my logic. Opposition leaders started issuing twitter messages and gave television interviews against my decision.

But my gamble worked with millions of common people. There was overwhelming response. My detractors were shell shocked as many Indians came out blowing conchshells and beating Thalis to record their appreciation for doctors and nurses and other health workers. 

"I have become a national leader...." - I told my wife as I tried to position myself near her on bed. She smiled but foolishly asked -- what is the use of so called Janata Curfew and these Thali beatings and lighting of lamps.

"I am a Hindu..," I told her and she seemed to appreciate this point. Long back she had given up her fascination for Marxism. Modiji had left some influence on her! Daughter of a hardcore Marxist, she had turned a Hindu. I knew some magic words and gestures and rituals work miracles with my wife and millions of Indians.

This time, she did the explanation: "Good. By this curfew call, you have united the entire country. A demoralised nation got into a sense of unity. Smart move, my brother may not like it. But many Indians liked it....Hindu rituals gave people a sense of faith in themselves".

"Yes. Thanks for understanding me. You are always my strength".

She again got wild. "But you always think, I have no brain".

Now, this is her problem. Where do I get all the time to think, whether my wife has brain or not. The very fact that she made that statement shows -- she could be partly right. I decided to opt for silence. Whatever you may be, Prime Minister or a jobless freelance writer -- at the peak of domestic quarrel, silence is BLISS !

As Prime Minister, my energy should be retained for more purposeful purpose. Leading the nation !

But the fight against Corona had to be serious. Within a week of my swearing in, at least 55 people have died and 1000 people already infected. In Kolkata, the Chief Minister was happy, suggested some media reports. She is planning to heap the entire blame of Corona crisis on my doorsteps. She has to win next year's polls.  

In a special 'Heart to Heart' television show on a Sunday: I started by making these initial remarks.

"Corona is a serious virus and is dangerous. This virus does not abide by international rule book and does not need visas and passports. This virus attack is a global challenge and we should not focus on blaming one country or one government". 

The programme went well again and opposition leaders were again 'jealous'. My message gave a global message that my government's and my country's efforts to combat the virus has to be in sync with the global efforts. In America and some European countries an impression was drawn that the corona malady can be handled within respective boundaries. I suggested it had to be global !

I knew my tricks have worked with people. But the overzealous campaigners against my government had to find something against me.

They got together and decided to pull down my government. They met one evening and issued a statement -- "We call for resignation of the Prime Minister. he has failed on all front. Public transport should have been shut after the four or five day gap of lockdown and migrant workers should gave been allowed to return to their villages and other small towns".

I told my wife, I will remain determined in what I decided to do. Fortunately many people in social network backed my agenda 'Act national and Think global' approach. 

I issued another statement through my foreign ministry that "Entire humanity can respond best to coronavirus by coming together, not growing apart.” My daughter said even my wife liked that oneline!

One fine morning, my mother in law called me to congratulate for becoming the first global leader to call for a G20 summit via video conferencing to hammerout “a coordinated response to the pandemic".

A week later she wrote me a text message "So far so good....You are doing well. Now, I realise you are a good son in law.....My daughter too cares a lot about you, take her advice sometime. Last time she advised me on redesigning our house, it was brilliant. My grand children also admire it". 

My dad too was impressed!

But guided by his habits, he tried to guide me. ",,,,but remember problems facing India will be too big. You need to show patience and statecraftness. 

My dad and his grand daughter

My wife came nearby -- what are you doing with this new sms from my sister! I smiled foolishly as if I was trying to conceal some secret.

"Mr Trump called and he is asking for 100 more boxes of chloroquine. You forgot to send a few boxes to my mother also," said my wife. 

I grew pale.

But just then, my dream was over. 

ends 

Mom-in-law Jharna Deb